


Him

by BSloves1D



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cutting, Gay, Hallucinations, Hospitalization, LGBTQ Character, Larry Stylinson Is Real, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Mental Health Issues, Suicide, Triggers, Young Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 18:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 1,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11258487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BSloves1D/pseuds/BSloves1D
Summary: Harry has a notebook





	1. 10. 5. 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like this. Short chapters are done on purpose and are in journal format.

Hello.

Mum says I need to talk to someone about my problems. She says I'm "going crazy", but I promise, I'm just a little weird.

I don't want to talk to anyone about the things I've been seeing, so, I've decided to write them down. It's kind of like telling someone about it, but this someone isn't living and therefore can't talk back. A relief, really.

Well...that's all for today...until next time?

H


	2. 10. 7. 13

Hello again.

I saw _Him_ again. _He's_ been dead for two weeks now. _He_ was standing by the fridge, making a funny face at me. Mum doesn't believe it, but she doesn't have to.

She says she found someone that can help me, but I don't think I want help. I like knowing the _He_ hasn't left me yet.

It gives me hope that maybe, _He's_ looking out for me.

Mum says I'm going to be late for the bus and I don't want you to be taken away, so I guess this is bye for now.

H


	3. 10. 10. 13

Hello.

I met the doctor today.

He told me that I shouldn't call him a doctor because there's nothing wrong with me and I'm not sick, but Mum calls him a doctor.

He told me that _He_ was probably just protecting me. Mum yelled at the doctor for telling me that, but I think I believe him.

I'm not sure how I feel about that though. _He_ kind of scares me sometimes, but it's nice to know that someone thinks this is real, that's _He's_ still here with me.

I'm glad the doctor believes me.

H


	4. 10. 11. 13

I'm scared.

 _He_ came again, but _He_ was mad. _He_ ripped the photo of us off my wall and scratched me. Mum thinks I did it.

She says that the doctor she took me to was a load of rubbish. He was nice though. Mum says that she's not going to do anything about it.

She believes that God has _Him_ now. If only she knew.

H


	5. 10. 19. 13

Mum has taken me out of school.

Today at school I saw _Him_. _He_ was sitting where _He_ used to sit and was smiling at me. I told _Him_ to go away and people started staring at me. The teacher made me go to the headmaster's office.

I heard her talking to Mum, something about a hospital for people like me.

They think I'm sick. The night Mum told me that I was going on a vacation for a while. I knew she was talking about the hospital, but she didn't say that.

I leave next week.

H


	6. 10. 30. 13

I moved in a couple days ago. 

One of the nurses told me that I wasn't allowed to write for the first couple of days. She took you away, but the doctor made her give you back. 

I like you. You're like my little friend that I'll always have. 

My roommate is very quiet. He's staring at us now. I had better go. 

H


	7. 11. 7. 13

My roommate talked to me today.

He said that he sees someone too. I don't feel alone anymore. _He_ hasn't been around as often, but _He'll_ still come sometimes, but when _He_ does, He's angry. I think it's better if _He_ comes more often, but doesn't do anything.

My roommate says that his name starts with an L. I'll have to figure out what his real name is by myself.

He's very pretty though.

H


	8. 11. 17. 13

My roommate has a friend.

His name is Zayn. He does bad things to himself when he gets sad. The doctor's say that I shouldn't be around him because I might do bad things to myself too, but I'm not. _He_ will just get mad. _He_ came a couple days ago and _He_ wrote a note for me.

It said don't hurt yourself. 

Even in death _He_ tries to keep me safe. I miss _Him_ a lot.

H


	9. 11. 26. 13

I think I'm gay. 

My roommate told me a couple days ago that he was gay. Ever since I've been getting a tingly feeling when I'm next to him. 

I think I like him. 

 _He_ came yesterday and told me that being gay was wrong. I don't know what's wrong with being gay, but _He_ thinks its bad. 

So it has to be bad right? 

I'll have to talk to the doctors about it. 

H


	10. 11. 26. 13

I think I'm gay. 

My roommate told me a couple days ago that he was gay. Ever since I've been getting a tingly feeling when I'm next to him. 

I think I like him. 

 _He_ came yesterday and told me that being gay was wrong. I don't know what's wrong with being gay, but _He_ thinks its bad. 

So it has to be bad right? 

I'll have to talk to the doctors about it. 

H


	11. 12. 4. 13

I kissed my roommate today. 

We were sitting on his bed talking, when he told me the _She_ was watching us. I asked him what _She_ wanted and he said _She_ wanted him to be happy. 

I asked him what it would take for him to be happy and he said you. 

I think I like him a lot now. 

The doctors said that being gay is okay. Even though _He_ thinks its bad doesn't mean it is, right? 

I think I like kissing L. That's what I've been calling him. 

H


	12. 12. 18. 13

My roommate said that he loved me today. 

I think I love him too. 

He told me the _She_ has stopped coming to see him and that he was going to be here for a little while longer just to be sure. 

 _He_ hasn't been making many frequent visits either. 

The doctors say I'm getting better. 

H


	13. 12. 24. 13

Today's my roommate's birthday. 

The doctors let him out 3 days ago. It's getting lonely here, but L said that he would come to see me as often as he could. 

We're in love. 

L told me that we could be free once I was out. I wanted to be out really bad so I could love him. Some times when we were cold at night, L and I would snuggle up together on a bed. 

The only thing I snuggle with now is my blanket. 

A nurse is coming and I'm supposed to be asleep, so goodnight. 

H


	14. 12. 31. 13

For the new year I want Louis. 

He told me his name on Christmas. It was one of his gifts to me. 

I'm glad I know his full name. 

 _He_ has been coming more often. I hate it. _He_ tells me that being gay is wrong and that _He's_ disappointed in me. I don't want to disappoint _Him._

Every since Louis left things have been getting worse for me. The doctors aren't sure what to do. I tell them I want Louis, but they say Louis can't come here. 

I miss him.

H


	15. 4. 28. 14

_His_ laughter is getting louder.

I can't seem to get it out of my head. I try hitting my head, but that makes it worse. The doctors made me move to the other side of the hospital.

I haven't see Louis in a long time. He's sent me letters telling me that he can't see me because the doctors won't let him.

Zayn sneaks in to me some times. He tells me that everyday Louis is sitting in the waiting room. He only leaves to eat, and sometimes he won't even do that.

I hate not being with him.

H


	16. 8. 13. 14

I can't take this anymore. 

My head is pounding and the only thing that seems to help is pain. _He_ wants me to hurt myself. 

I can't cut myself like Zayn used to because the doctors have kept all sharp objects away from me. So, I've had to bang my head against the wall. 

It gives me a headaches, but it's better than having _Him_ in my head. 

I'm thinking about ending things soon. 

H


	17. 9. 15. 14

I CAN'T TAKE IT

I have to end things. The doctors tell me that I have to keep fighting _Him_ , but I can't. _He_ keeps telling me that I'm not good enough for _Him_ and that I'll always be a fail, and I'm starting to believe _Him_.

I've been having to take more medicine, but it seems like the more I take the less it helps.

I need my Louis. He would protect me.

H


	18. 10. 5. 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're triggered by suicide please skip this part and go to the end note.

I'm doing it tonight.

Thank you for being there for me, but I can no longer keep this going. Not for Louis, Zayn, the doctors, or myself.

I've been learning how to make a noose knot out of my shirts and I've finally perfected it.

I guess the last thing there is to do is kick the chair from underneath me.

My neck is in the noose as I'm writing this. It's very uncomfortable to write like this, though. I just thought you deserved an ending.

I'm slippi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last entry in Harry's journal before he kills himself.


	19. Epilogue

**Louis' POV**

I was in the waiting room like I had always been. Every day since I've gotten out I've sat in the waiting room. I've become a regular. I hate leaving at night, knowing that I'm leaving Harry when I do.

It was 5:59 and I was standing to leave when a doctor came out of the two doors that separated Harry from me. The Door's of Death.

"Louis? I have news." The doctor says. I silently pray that all was well, but a gut feeling told me otherwise. I take a step towards him.

"What seem to be wrong?" I ask, the doctor gives me a frown before handing me the purple composition notebook.

"Harry Styles was pronounced dead this morning. I know that you really loved that boy, so I thought you should have this." He says, handing me the journal. It was light in my hands, but I had a feeling that it held a deep meaning. I know that when I lived with Harry the notebook was always with him. It never left his sight.

"What happened?" I ask, my voice cracking. I hug the notebook tighter to my chest as the tears start to skip down my cheeks.

"He hung himself in his room." The doctor says. I let out a strangled sob as I imagine my Hazza swinging from the ceiling.

"May I be excused?"I ask, I don't wait for the doctor to say anything before disappearing to the bathroom.

Once I'm alone, I look in the mirror. I stared back at myself, but in the corner sat _Her._ My sister who had died all those years ago, who had tried to help me when things were bad, but ended up making things worse. I hadn't seen _Her_ in months. I had a theory that Harry protected me from _Her_ and I protected Harry from _Him_ , and since Harry was gone, _She_ could come back.

"I'm back, Louis. We can be friends forever." _She_ whispers.


End file.
